I knew at some point I'd be writing about my journey with taking care of my mother. I thought my Pilates blog on Memory, would be an opening into that dimension. My experience may help other who are a similar journey. May this help you find faith, love and support. You are not alone. It's not easy. And there is Light at the end of the tunnel, even though you may feel like you've been buried. 

Dementia is a horrible dis-ease, as my client pointed out last week, with her apologies. It's the slow non-functioning of the brain. For every person there is, it happens a little differently. When my mother went into a nursing home, she was on a floor with other dementia patients. It's a locked floor, so they can't wander off or try to leave. The things not many people realize is that under the surface, they do "know" what's going on. Their brains can't help but to play out the scenario that's running. Let me explain…

My mother had an episode that landed her in the nursing home permanently. I am an only child and I had been taking care of her after my father crossed over. I had been trying to work and consolidate the home and her finances so that she could move into a retirement community, and I could live on my own. In midst, she had what I call "permanently stepping one foot on the Other Side". I had come home one evening to my mother asking, "Are you trying to kill me?". I looked at her in horror and said I think it's time to go to the emergency room, and thankfully she agreed! Sometimes dementia patients get bladder infections, and it can send their dementia in a far worse state. Up until this point, it was mostly just not remembering the everyday goings on and maybe seeing a few people who weren't in the room. (And no, it wasn't loved ones who crossed over. I asked extensive questions thinking that was the case at first.) She finally received a room to rest and about an hour after she had seen the doctor came the episode. She had fallen asleep for maybe 40 minutes. When she woke, she wanted to leave. Frantic. I explained we couldn't go yet, we were waiting for the doctor. That didn't register. She started yelling and saying, "I'm being held against my will! This is America! I have rights!" It raised attention and two nurses came in to wheel her to a separate room. She was continuing with the yelling, adding some prejudiced statement about minorities to which the African American nurse just shook her head like she's heard it before. Well, I hadn't! None of what my mother was saying had ever come out of her mouth before! None of it! My mother started pointing at me and saying, "That man is not my son!" and then added "You and your father have been living off me for years!". When the doctor arrived, she was apologizing to me! The doctor said, "I don't know what's wrong. She wasn't like this an hour ago. I'll have to do another MRI". It might have been a CAT scan. I don't remember. I do clearly remember my mother pointing at me and calling me a man. I knew I looked bad, but I didn't think that bad.

Another emergency room doctor had spoken to me the next day and felt she couldn't be returned home if I was the only one taking care of her. I explained we knew this would happen at some point. We just didn't expect it this way. It was truly a blessing in disguise for us both. Thank God she had that episode in front of other people, and people who were trained in what to do when it happened! I already had trouble with people believing that my mother was even "sick". It was also an easier transition for her to the nursing home. She never went home again.

She was finally admitted to a room, later that next day. I believe it took her a few days to "know" me or recognize me. I would ask, "Do you remember who I am?". The next day I received the answer in happy fashion, "Yes! You're the Spring Princess!". Well, Spring Princess was better than "that man". It took about three days for her to be able to call me by name. In midst, we were sent to a nursing home in-term of a permanent facility. I was trying to get her into one close to the house and that happened to be rated five stars. As luck would have it, or the Angels and all of Heaven were conspiring, her social worker there used to work for the place I was trying to get her into! We had to wait about a month, but she was approved! I thank this social worker and my dad for making that happen! When she arrived in her room, I was noticing she wasn't watching the TV anymore. I asked her why. Her response was poignant. "It's like there's always a TV in my head, and I can’t turn it off." I think my jaw hit the floor and all the twinkle fell out of me. When people don't understand dementia, I recall my mother's words and share. "It's like there's always a TV in my head, and I can’t turn it off." She also asked, "How do you put a Kotex on a kitten?". I looked at her and said, "I don't know?", and then we both looked at each other and laughed!

This is just a small taste of dementia and care giving. I believe there's at least a second part to this blog, if not a third. I would really like to go into why this happened to my mother, and my personal lessons. I would love to have a community of those who have been through this process and those who are suffering inside of this process. Not just a social group to chat. A place where one can find substantial help and resources! These pretend to exist in the world, but in my experience, there really isn't any help. It's just a rat wheel. And your luck if you don't die trying to help a loved one.

REACH OUT! With whatever last ounce of energy you can muster! If you've been through this before, reach out! There are those who can benefit from your experiences, too! I'm not the only story or version of the story. Let's help each other!

Hoping to hear from you. Sending so much Love, Light, Strength, Courage and Perseverance on this journey. All of Heaven is trying to help. Just keep tapping and holding on!

Blessings,

Julia xo