a-ban-doned adj. 1 Deserted; left behind; forsaken. 2 Unrestrained; without moderation. 3 Given over to dissolute practices; profligate; shameless. See synonyms under ADDICTED, BAD. (Funk & Wagnalls New Comprehensive International Dictionary of the English Language 1980)

 This week, and these past few years, has been very hard in terms of letting people go. Those of us who have abandonment issues and are Lightworkers (those of us who are aware of our commitment and journey here on Earth), have been deep diving into the depths of our souls. To say it's been excruciating I believe is an understatement. Those of us who consider ourselves Lightworkers, or souls aware of this spiritual journey, have already gone through what we call "The Dark Night of the Soul". It's the start of your awakening. It's really what the world has been forced into in recent years. Because all of us are souls and we are all called to remember. Those of us who are more conscious and have been doing attentive work towards the effort of bringing Heaven to Earth (even though it's already here), have had an extra hard time adjusting to the deeper lessons we thought we have already learned. We're here to help teach you about the many layers. And we are experiencing the deep layers, currently.

I grew up in a household that was sad, angry, violent, lonely. I'm a Gen-X'er. I probably have an easier story than many of my peers, and yet, I too deal with the repercussions of our generation. My mother was an alcoholic and would get into fist fights with my father. It would usually end with her fleeing with me in the night, only to return home to an empty house. I was probably between 5-7 years old when a bulk of this was happening. A recent event has me remembering an instance in those years.

We were up at the local Knights of Columbus, where my father was a member. We were there often, almost like a second home. His council was active in those days.   This night must have been close to Christmas, as the Lutheran church across the street would do a live nativity the weekend before the 25th of December. They've been doing the live nativity for over 40 years. I don't remember much of this particular night. My parents were obviously fighting. I remember feeling tension, not knowing or understanding what was going on. I vaguely remember them being there and then gone.  Maybe someone explained it to me?  I don't remember.  We were probably at the K of C Christmas party. All I remember is throwing up and having one of the young girlfriends from the council take me across the street to see the nativity scene. I think she said my parents would be back. I just remember being scared and sick to my stomach. I think I got home that night, but don't remember how or with whom? I don’t remember anything after. I just remember that horrible feeling. Where were my parents? Where did they go? What was happening? I didn't understand. Did they know where I was? Did they know who was taking care of me? What was going on? I was scared and sick, and the people who were supposed to love me the most and protect me were gone. The woman I didn't know may have communicated a general explanation. I remember her trying to be nice. I mostly remember the horrible feeling.

This memory was triggered this week, with yet another abandonment. The deep, horrible pain returned. Why? On many levels, why??? Did I need to learn this again? Well, obviously I did, or it wouldn't be coming up, again. Abandonment issues often come from being neglected as a child. We tend to grow up people pleasing or taking care of others, searching for the love we didn't receive. Our self-worth is small. We tend to live in financial lack. If we choose, our life becomes a series of identifying, understanding and healing of these wounds. The healing, as many people who choose to heal, will relay it happens on many levels. 

Why is this coming up again? Why now? On a surface level, I get that it's their issue, for whatever reason, and has nothing to do with their love or appreciation for me or my self-worth. On the surface, that's what I tell myself. And yet, the few times it has happened recently, that deep pain comes back. I feel scared and alone, wondering what I did wrong. I didn't do anything wrong. My logical mind understands. My deep, broken heart is saying something completely different. That's the part I need to heal. I need to sit with my feelings. Give myself time to cry and be angry. Find peace by forgiving how I feel "wronged" or abused. Understand that my trauma feelings and my intuition are separate, and to see the difference, clearly. And let time unfold the mystery. Other adults have traumas, too, that they need to heal. They may choose to heal, or not. I have to be the adult in my life and take care of my little, broken child. Love myself the way a parent, or the Divine would love a child who is hurting and not understanding. This self-love breaks open our hearts more, so that we may become fully centered to love unconditionally. There is no opening your heart without feeling ever more deeply. It gets harder every time, and yet, it heals so much faster every time, too. 

"You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible."

-Bob Marley

So, I'm called to find my own Light, right? I'm called back to Love myself, again. This will continue to happen until nothing shines but the Light. I can help teach others by my own journey. They, too, will heal from their wounds and have the courage and knowledge to find their own Light, as well. That's all we truly are, Love and Light. Nothing else really exists, and it's always a process in breaking down that illusion. The truth will reveal a Love beyond words.

With so much Love, Light and Blessings, I hope this is found by those who need to know they are never alone, and you are Loved to your core.

Julia, xo

“I believe that your tragedies, your losses, your sorrows, your hurt happened for you, not to you. And I bless the thing that broke you down and cracked you open because the world needs you open.”

― Rebecca Campbell, Light is the New Black: A Guide to Answering Your Soul's Callings and Working Your Light