It hasn't even been two full months, and today I hear of another loved one taking their life. Crossing themselves over. Suicide. Two deaths in two months. And those are only the ones in close vicinity. I have heard of others in a smaller radius for the past two years. These souls never get any easier to hear.

I was called to share my own story about two months ago, on a Tik Tok I posted. I too, at the age of fifteen, tried to cross myself over. I am called yet again, to share in this blog. Hoping that my journey helps spread and activate Love and Healing. Hoping it reaches those who need to hear my story and this message.

As I said, at fifteen years old, I attempted suicide. I grew up in a household with fighting and alcohol abuse. I went to a grade school where I felt like I was the one kid that always got picked on. I didn't have a lot of friends. I was scared and shy and felt like I never mattered. Unloved. It became a culmination of things at that time that probably "pushed me over the edge", so to speak. A boy I loved that didn't love me back. "Friends" who really weren't friends. Being raped for the first time, which would've been two days before my fifteenth birthday, by the boy I loved. And those feelings of being scared, shy, not mattering and unloved with absolutely no coping mechanisms to help. Where would I have learned anything of help at that point? 

Luckily for my own innocence, I took the "wrong" pills. We didn't have much in our medicine cabinet and the only prescription medicine we had was antibiotics. Penicillin. I took what was left in the bottle. 13 pills. I figured that would be enough, right? Prescription is more potent than over the counter, right?

I don't exactly remember the steps leading up to my father finding me on the Cross Island. I must've hinted to my "friend" about what I was doing. I may have even written a note. There was only a few places I would've gone. It was a place of comfort, to be by the water. It reminded me of my grandfather who loved fishing. Although I felt bad about leaving, all I could think was that I'd get to be with my grandparents again. They basically raised me and both died months apart only a few years before that moment.

I think I was surprised my father showed up. I remember being in his Chevy Nova and him asking what happened. When I told him, he took his hand off the stick shift long enough to smack me in the mouth and put it back down. Nothing else was said.

Next I remember being in the emergency room. My mother hysterically crying. Because when wasn't my mother crying? I ended up taking some fluid concoction that made me throw up whatever was in my stomach. The doctor not knowing if I was lying about what I took, exclaimed that it was a good thing it was only antibiotics and not something more damaging. 

Because of NYS laws and it being on record what I had done, I had to go to a "hospital" for a month, minimum. If you were deemed a threat to yourself (which basically meant you tried to take your own life again on record), you were kept longer. At least that was my understanding. My "counselor" felt I wasn't telling the whole truth and that I had work to do, and signed me out. No follow up. No help. I could probably do a separate blog just on that whole experience!

For the thirty one years since that time, the only reason I am here is because of the "Other Side" and the work I have done on myself, alone. I have never tried to take my own life again, nor will I. Yet, it's always been a feeling to overcome. As I've learned to navigate this plain, this overwhelming feeling has gotten better. Less intense. Less frequent. And my understanding of "why" is consistently clearer. 

Let's start again with my childhood. I've always been connected to the "Other Side". I've always been connected to the most precious Light and Love that truly exists. And growing up with my experiences, in a world the way most people "see" it, it never made much sense. I never understood those who don't actually see. It doesn't make sense to me that our first inclination isn't to just Love each other???  I make it a point about seeing Love, because that's all there is to see! It doesn't matter who you are or what you've been through, Love is the only thing to see! And when you have that basic understanding and seeing people react the way they do, it's abominable to me to see otherwise! This is a huge reason why…..

That being said, in order to navigate this dimension I've had to unlearn, let go, and build constantly and consistently. Because of my connection to the Other Side I was able to grow, often with resistance from those who believe in "this side" too much. It was the Other Side's urging that has kept me moving, and those individuals who maintain a connection to the Other Side. My progress has been learning my traumas which in turn helps to understand others traumas, learning my life lessons, understanding why I am here and who I am, allowing myself to feel my connection to God fully. Committing myself to this journey, even when I don't feel like "doing the work". The Other Side taught me these insights. Not anyone on Earth. This is another reason why….. "The work" that has to be done, that not many people understand or are able to teach.

Back to my understanding of "why" I have felt this way. It's usually in those moments of "leveling up" (that's how we describe it Spiritually), that I feel at my weakest. When I'm learning a new lesson, or deconstructing on a higher level a lesson that I've already worked on. That's when I'm feeling scared, that I'm not enough, that no one loves me and it reignites that feeling of leaving this world. When I'm constantly drawn to go deeper within and connect to God, because I forgot who I am. That's when all of Heaven swoops in and reminds me of how magical this life is, and how absolutely loved and supported we are by the Other Side. They remind me to always come back to my power. Helping me eradicate life's traumas that become lies in our body when we let them sit and fester.

Why am I here? To help spread Love and Light. To help Heal. To have the strength and courage to say the things no one wants to hear. To have the strength and courage to persevere even when I don't want to keep going. To help teach my story to others so that they, too, are able to conquer their fears. 

I am also called to share with you books that come to mind that may help on your journey of understanding and healing. One, is a book from my teacher, Pat Longo: https://amzn.to/3y9BXF6 This book is great for anyone who is a deep feeling individual! Another book that is a tried-and-true favorite is by Louise Hay: https://amzn.to/3OEPjQJ It's the quintessential guide to understanding your aliments, mental or physical and how to teach yourself to heal. And last but not least is a new favorite by Anodea Judith: https://amzn.to/3R53MXw This book has gobs of psychological information linked to your emotions and making it easy to understand!

I'm praying this finds those who need to hear this message. I hope you may find some comfort, understanding and healing. Feel free to reach out with any questions. I would love to hear from you!

And to my fellow deep feeling souls who are on this journey and want to just end the suffering, know that it gets better, it gets easier, and there is so much more Love and Miracles for you to experience! As Maryann Willamson would say about A Course in Miracles, "A miracle is just a shift in perception from fear to love." Do not let the illusion of fear, of this darkness we see, to permanently cloud reality. We truly know that the reality is Love, infinitely.

Sending you all so much Love, Light, Healing and Miraculous Blessings!!!

Julia xo

"Healing isn't as simple as learning to love yourself. It's going back to the places you stopped loving yourself and remembering why. It's then holding that part of you close and rescuing them from old pain. The remembering is what makes it hard. The holding is what makes it brave." Nate Postlethwait