It's a quest I find is a spiral in healing from my mother. I grew up with an alcoholic mother. Clearing her demons has been an ongoing process. I'm in midst of finding my voice! Speaking my truth. Understanding I am loved and supported on levels I am unfamiliar. I am in midst of finding another level of healing. It was explained to me by a fellow healer/psychic/medium that it's spirals in and out depending on where you are with your work. I am not only working on this for me, I am also working on it for my Twin Flame and ultimately, the collective.

They say the child of an alcoholic parent has "instant gratification" issues because if we weren't paid attention to in the first five minutes, it never happened. When I heard that statement it took three years off my life, no joke! And the part of not being paid attention to really hits on many levels. Very much now, more than before, I'm realizing that I feel what I say doesn't matter. Of course, my rational brain knows that's not true. And yet still deep down, I have a hard time pushing through to express myself and express myself properly.

As a child, I danced. Non-stop. Of course, that's also the Healer in me learning to move energy. You don't need to word your feelings, particularly on def ears. You just need to feel. Move. Vibrate. It was often done alone in my parent's bedroom, as it was large and unoccupied during the day. I was often shy and quiet. I needed to feel out the scene and make sure it was safe. It led to me being unnoticed by adults most of the time. Being an only child and not well integrated, I didn't have many friends to spend time and converse, and play. It has taken me a long time of speaking out, acting up and stumbling through to find my words. My voice. 

Finding my voice was a huge leap in my Pilates training. We would practice with other apprentices and normally when you teach, you stand directly in front of a client/person. I stood off to the side. I didn't want to be seen or heard. I didn't want to be intrusive. I didn't want to bother the student. Very interesting as I write, noticing what that moment and feeling was in comparison to now. It's the same feeling I'm going through now. And funny moving from dance and being out in front of people to teaching, and now from teaching moving into being out in front on social media again to teach. Very funny, Spirit (insert sarcastic smile).

So, fast forward to now, I write blogs on my website and have social media accounts for Tik Tok, Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. I absolutely love writing and posting on TT/IG. I am mostly unseen or speaking. Writing gives me the time to choose my words wisely, mostly. TT and IG I mostly post memes. I find they are more relatable and easily accessible. Besides, I was posting videos with little response. I fucking HATE posting videos!!! HATE IT!!! I can't stand my voice. I don't like the way I speak or look. And even if I had someone videoing me and a body to teach, I still would slag in making videos. I was only doing it because I was called to by my Guides. I hate it! I can feel my teeth gripping and my body clenching thinking about making a video. The only reason I do it is in hopes to help other people. I could care less about having "followers". I want to help, and I want it to reach those that would find benefit in the help. I wasn't finding the videos helped, so I stopped posting.

It's also been a struggle with my "new" friends. I have a few people that are new in my life, and I find it a struggle. Not on their part. They have been very loving and generous. It's my end learning what to do and how to act when someone is being loving and generous. Especially from other women! My mother, not intentionally, was very controlling and manipulating when it came to being loving and generous. When she was being loving, it was for her to feel loved. And when my mother was being giving, it was to control me a certain way so she could get what she wanted. So now, when women who are in their true matriarchal power, just being loving and supportive, it feels like a trick! I just try to be loving and gracious and yet feel like it's not enough. That I'm not enough. That I'm not worthy. And I feel lonely and unwanted. It's not true. Again, my rational mind and my empathic heart says very differently. And yet, my DNA is being rewired to love myself on a deeper level. I'm learning that love gives you freedom. That it's "free". That I don't have to do anything in return. That I am worthy.

It is new territory for me, and I am learning to navigate. Crying and stumbling through, raw and trying to open, I am present. And that's a gift, right?

Wishing you all the gifts that life is looking to offer you in abundant blessings now, and in this coming new year!

Love and Light,

Julia, XO