As much work as I've done, asking someone to take off their shoes when coming into my home is still a hard request. No adult likes to tell another adult what is ok and what is not ok. It's even worse with a loved one. Still worse is feeling you were called here to help others as a healer and have to put a healthy limit on what that means. Unfortunately, so many of us learned toxicity and have been conditioned that we can't tell the difference. 

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." Brene Brown

What are healthy boundaries? The simple answer is what is comfortable for you. Easy answer. Like many notions that are simple, there are infinitely harder to accomplish. When I first started to learn about boundaries, it was about learning not to tolerate toxic behavior from other people. Didn't matter if they were strangers or loved ones. Of course, it was a lot harder to find that boundary for a loved one or someone I thought I loved. Being more advanced looking at boundaries, it's about taking care of myself properly. 

I grew up in a toxic household. So, from an early age I learned a toxic version of love and action. I grew up feeling and knowing that certain things weren't right. Lack of conscious adults to guide me left me reliving tragedies into early adulthood. It was my inner guidance and purpose in life that led me down the road to healing myself, and in turn being able to help heal others. I believe I agreed to this journey to have life experiences that others can relate and learn. My journey is someone else's survival guide.

I learned from an early age that I was to take care of myself (cook, clean, sleep, eat), and be there for everyone else regardless of my own wants and needs. This set up a long line of broken boundaries. There was no limit on people lashing out against me, taking advantage of me and me giving up my time and energy even when I didn't have any to someone who "needed it more". Although I learned bare bones how to "take care" of myself, I never really learned how to take care. Most adults I knew didn't know how to take care of themselves or treat themselves properly. They learned abuse and self-destruction. 

Self-care. Our only responsibility! We've been conditioned into thinking that it's paying bills and being subservient to society. Doesn't that sound like the toxic version of boundaries? Self-care should be a well-rounded version of rest, food consumption, exercise and play. Anything else we tag onto that list is superfluous. Yes! I said it! Anything else are not "real" responsibilities. Our first and foremost responsibility is to take care! "Working" is and isn't a responsibility. We are all here for our own special purposes, and that is work! We also need to take care of the things that need attending to, like doing our laundry. 

When I first started to learn to take care of myself, I was about 35. It was in midst of taking care of my mother, who had dementia. She had just had the episode that landed her in a nursing home. I felt like all I did was sleep, eat and go to work. I was also in a tough financial situation. There was barely anytime other than food shop. I had to learn how to manage my time to also do laundry, clean and have fun. I lived in fear mode and thought of only paying bills. It was also some of the toxicity I learned to only spend money on bills and necessities. Using money to "have fun" was irresponsible.  How crazy is that notion? That you're being irresponsible for enjoying your time!?!! It's obnoxious! I am still having issues in learning to have fun. 

A Course in Miracles was also very helpful for me in this process. It taught me how to "see" differently. The Workbook is a daily meditation. I did it for three years straight, as I was determined to change my life! It really helped me find balance, clarity and strength. Taking care of ourselves is not easy. It should be basic, and yet so much harder when we have to re-learn. I didn't list meditation as a basic self-care, although I believe it's the next top important activity on the list! We need a tool, or many tools, to help empty the daily garbage in our heads. Writing can be a meditation. Movement is huge on the list for meditation, too. Not everyone can sit and chat "Om's".

The more we learn to love ourselves properly, take care of ourselves properly, then everything else starts to fall into line. "If you don't love yourself, it's impossible for you to love others. You can't give away what you don't have." Joyce Meyer That is a wonderful definition of a healthy boundary. 

Reach out! Tell me how you deal with loving yourself, taking care and setting boundaries. I'd love to hear from you!

Love, Light and Blessings,

Julia XO